There are many moments in life in which we all experience transitions and changes. Some are good, some are bad. In most cases, I think many are just a mixed bag. As for me, I’m looking forward to my move, both in the physical literal sense and in the more esoteric emotional and psychological fronts. I want to close several chapters and my life and starting anew, beginning with my move.
I’d like October to be over ASAP. I’m starting to hate this month. When we bought this house 9 years ago in Oct. 2003, I wasn’t here to pick out this house or sign the papers because I had flown back to Houston to take care of my mom, who had endometrial cancer. Two years later, on her 55th birthday, Oct. 24, my mother died. Needless to say, October has been an especially tough month for me since her passing. Now hubby and I are selling this house and no aspect of the process hasn’t been easy. This October has been much harder than usual with everything else that’s transpired. Life has thrown me many difficult obstacles in the last 15-16 months…more than I could reasonably handle, but I think I did an okay job. All of them overlapped one another and the hurdles seemed never-ending. The top 3 in order of their occurrence:
- Hubby and I decided to split. We married in 2001. Things just weren’t working and I think we’re both happier now, but the way in which it happened was really messed up. I won’t go into all the personal details, but I felt very devalued and disrespected. It’s not the kind of news you want to tell your parents, so it took me a while to tell them. I didn’t want my dad to feel worry, disappointment or shame for me, especially since it’s not that culturally acceptable, even though my parents divorced when I was 15. My dad was none of those, except concerned, as all parents are. My sister’s reaction was surprisingly funny: “Are you okay?” Yes. “Oh good!” I feel a weight has been lifted. “Yay!!! Since you’re ok, I guess I should tell you then…” Tell me what? “Well…[boyfriend] and I have been plotting to breaking you up for years.” WHAT?!? “You deserve better! I know it was so hard being with [him]….I had this idea that you should be with some sort of artist, like a metal sculpture artist.” Apparently she had been fantasizing about setting me up with a variety of people.
- My allergy/ immune issues got worse than ever and 80-90% of my body flared up for more than 9-10 months. I looked like a red boiled lobster stung by 100,000 bees. It was gross. To keep my skin from cracking, I had to moisturize several times an hour with straight oil and chemical-free lotion bars I made. I even wrapped myself in plastic wrap. That meant lots of laundry, ruined clothes, sheets and towels, and grease everywhere. I had to toss half of my clothes and sheets because they got stained and/or started smelling like rancid oil. Eww. My whole body burned, hurt and itched 24/7. Sleeping was nearly impossible even with drug intervention, and work and just about everything else was also nearly impossible to achieve.
- Around Thanksgiving, I was recommended for surgery to remove painful fibroids that had been troubling me for long while and getting worse. I always assumed a decision like this would be easy for me; however, I was very surprised at the sense of loss I felt when faced with losing part of my womanhood. I started wondering whether I never reconsidered not wanting kids because I knew that with the issues in our marriage and our personality differences, I would be doing a huge disservice to any kid and myself if I had one. Other questions ensued. Will I regret this decision in the future? What if I really do want kids? What if I waited? What if I really need it and I don’t have insurance later? I resolved not to dwell on the what-ifs and just weighed more tangible factors like my age, upcoming divorce, fears of getting uterine cancer like my mom, and loss of affordable insurance. I had surgery 5 days before Christmas. My sister came to take care of me, but she could only do it for a couple of days (I didn’t want to worry my dad & stepmom, so I didn’t tell them). For the most part, my recovery was very lonely, depressing and painful, though I was very grateful that a good friend came and helped out as much as possible in between family obligations. The loneliness was my own doing though. I really didn’t want to bother other friends for help or company because I didn’t want to interrupt their busy holiday plans with their families.
Those major events triggered a domino affect: body and mental stress made my immune system even more sensitive, exacerbated my chronic back problems and other issues, which all negatively affected my health more. It was an endless looping nightmare. I got increasingly worried and anxious about health, insurance, work productivity and other scary issues, though I really tried to keep as positive as possible. (I’m more of a “glass half full” kind of gal.) Nonetheless, I had a few bleak moments where I totally broke down in frustration and cried like a baby for hours, especially when there didn’t seem to be a solution to my immune issues, no matter what I tried. The months of incessant itching, burning and lack of sleep didn’t help my mental state either.
Things are still stressful, but are much better. The ex and I are amicable, my flares are all gone now that I’ve cut many more foods from my diet (frustrating too, but better than flaring), and I have no more uterine pain. The rest of my body is still healing slowly. My family has been supportive and very helpful with my life transition, especially my dad (we don’t have an emotional touchy-feely kind of family, definitely not by American and Western ideals, but we are close and supportive of one another in our own way). I’ve been trying hard not to let the many frustrations and snafus with the house-selling and buying process and other things get to me too much, though it’s hard not to stress about uncontrollable circumstances that led to a 2-day moving window.
Enough! I’m close to the home stretch. October is almost over. I’m sure there will be additional bumps along the way, but I’m looking forward to locking up this chapter of my life and starting a new one, although I can’t really toss the keys until the ex and I ink those D-papers. Even with all the stress and obstacles, I feel more rejuvenated and much more like myself than ever. I look forward to starting fresh, to finishing my books and a host of other things to come! Wish me luck!